Today was just not my lucky day. Stress at work, problems with relationships and family was bringing my mood down also did not help the matters. I was about to sit down on my big comfy chair, eating junk food and watching my romantic comedies when I heard a knock at the door. Before I even looked out the peephole to see who it was, I knew my best friend Karen would be anxiously waiting to come in. After a long chat with her about how my day was going, she practically forced me out of my apartment to come with her to this new bar downtown. I was neither in the mood nor ready to deal with drunken guys hitting on me or asking me to dance. When we arrived she rushed over to our other friends who were already dancing on the dance floor. I told her that I would get a round of drinks for all of them when they were ready for a break. I went over and grabbed a seat by the bar and let my feet dangle and rest from a long day of work. Next to me was this older guy who asked to buy me a drink and within seconds tried to hit on me. I looked over to see if one of my friends could come rescue me, but of course they were having a great time dancing. I felt a hand gracefully clench my lower back. Most people would be terrified and scream, but these manly hands were different. I had not known his name but already felt safer then I had with the guy sitting next to me. I hadn’t said a word either. This mystery man had explained to the drunken guy that I was with him and to scramble and to stop hitting on his girlfriend. Seconds later he took a seat next to me. The only words that could come out of my mouth were “ thank you”. He hadn’t even done anything to save my life, but it was if he had read my mind, almost like a guardian angel. Not to mention he was handsome.
“ You really didn’t need to do that, I’m sure I could have handled it on my own”
“ Really, I saw that look on your face that made me think you needed to be saved”
“ Yes, okay, you may be right. I didn’t catch your name”
“ Adam”
“ Well thank you Adam. You just made my day a whole lot better”
“ Yeah, a lot of girls tell me that”
“ Oh I guess I am one of those lucky girls. My name is Caroline by the way”
“ Nice to meet you. Would you like a drink?”
Usually I would have stopped, thought about what might happen in a few minutes time, but the words almost just fell out my mouth.
“ I would love to dance”
“ Oh wow, you’re a girl who moves quick”
They could be Adam and Eve and this could be a parodic comedy. Err, as it is, it shows elements of plot progressing, I just wonder, where are you taking me? The small scrape with the older man just wasnt enough for me to bite into, I need even more drama or at least, make it dramatic. Maybe it's that more details are needed, so I can relate better to the woman, or see clearly this unsexy older man in my inner vision.
ReplyDeleteGood dialogue. Anyway, Think about where you want this story to take the reader, then take them there with imagery, sensation, and plot. The scene with the older man's hitting on the woman could use some more detail so I can sense just how repulsive he is and she feels.
Maggie,
ReplyDeleteI like the plot line and the small amount of characters. I wish you would of explained the sight of the creepy, drunk more just so I could get a feel about how much she needed to be rescued. When you talked about the hand gracing her back, when I read that I wasn't sure if you were talking about the drunk guy or someone else. Maybe this was on purpose for suspense but I actually thought you were talking about the drunk touching her back. Good story line though, you can definitely take this story further because you have left a lot of room to add good material and descriptions.
Yeah i agree with lisa, i dont feel like shes THAT uncomfortable with the drunk creepy guy, she just seems like she doesnt want to be rude and walk away. Maybe show that she's more nervous or creeped out by this guy, to enchance the saving of the situation.
ReplyDeleteLike what you've done to the story since this beginning. Think it can go even further!
ReplyDelete